Giving in to Keep the Peace

In a previous article I mentioned "Giving in to keep the peace" but it was too big a subject to cover in that article so I have expanded on it here.

Firstly, I have to say I have succumbed to this myself.....okay, many times especially before I became more confident in myself. In fact before personal growth that was just about my whole existence! I gave in to what other people wanted to do or have because I didn't know what I stood for - except that I didn't like confrontation and that is why I backed down.

To confront someone and argue a point can only be done by knowing what you stand for and being confident enough to back yourself on it. There was a time when I had no point, so I had nothing to stand by and had no reason to back myself. I followed everyone else and took their word as The Truth. That can get very confusing because The Truth only stands for the person who delivers it and may (probably) differ from the next person's Truth.

I love the verse that says "the person with the most clarity wins". I don't know where this saying originates but it says so much about many situations. In my article "5 Ways People Sabotage Their Relationship" I mention how this plays out with adults as well as children. Some of the most capable women I have met do not have the confidence to stand up for themselves in a confrontation and would be the first ones to give their own life for others, while some of the most outspoken, seemingly confident women will give in to an unruly two year old.

What is the answer to this? The answer is values! When I ask a person what their values are they often say things like: family; a roof over their head; friends; being a good mother; and money usually rates last, if at all. These are things you value but are not your values! Your values are your guidelines for life.

You value family but what do they bring you? They bring you comfort, love, companionship and happiness. Being a good mother is a role! Perhaps for you it means: leadership, giving and patience. Perhaps having a roof over your head brings you a sense of security; a base or foundation. Money may allow you freedom to enjoy a certain lifestyle.

Using the above examples you values might be:

• Love
• Happiness
• Companionship
• Leadership
• Giving
• Patience
• Security
• Freedom

How do we use these as guidelines? I'm glad you asked! I value Happiness and fun! I used to live in a home where there was no fun and not much happiness. I didn't realise why at the time but living this way was costing me my health. I thought I was being a good person for doing my share and keeping everyone else happy but my very soul was deteriorating and I didn't know why or how to stop the process. I eventually left that home and found myself in a better home where there was much more happiness and fun. I was like a dry, nutrient-deficient pot plant that had just been given a new colourful pot with lovely, moist, rich soil.

Some of my highest values had been squashed down in a relationship where I gave and gave, to keep peace in our home only to find that a little confrontation at certain times would have made the union a little better.

In the example of the child, children will keep going in a direction until they find something that will make them stop - or they get bored. If they touch a hot plate they know that a boundary has been established. Don't touch the hot plate or it will hurt. No questions or negotiation! But when it is time to go to bed or do a chore there is often no clear boundary or consequence so they will push a little further to see what they can get away with. I have heard parents pleading with their child to do something. This is not a clear boundary! This is giving power over to the child - especially in public places. Children soon learn how much they can get away with in a public place because the parent doesn't want to cause a scene in front of others and/or be seen as an incapable parent.

While I like my peace and hearing a child crying is very unpleasant, I would much rather hear a child crying because they didn't get their selfish way in public - because the parent stood their ground for the long-term peace, rather than hearing a parent give in saying "okay here, you can have it, just be quiet".

A child may not enjoy the boundaries in the short-term because they don't get everything they "seem" to want, but they will respect their parent far more and have a far more trusting relationship with a parent that they know will stand up for what they believe. (Would you follow someone who was obviously not confident in what they are saying and doing?)

Have you given in a little too much just to keep the peace? Is there somewhere in your life where you need to add a little confrontation to have longer-term peace? You are not being a bully by standing up for yourself, and your values are there to help guide you to know you are doing the right thing by you.

Here's to your values!

Eliza Rose

Source: http://ezinearticles.com/6312952

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